Dating with ADHD can be a lot, and I would know. Looking back on the messiest bits of my dating history through a post-diagnosis lens, I sympathise with the version of me that thought she was just terrible at dating. I was impulsive, sensitive, emotionally reactive and very easily attached. I think I’m still all those things, but now I know why and how to make that work for me, my partner and my relationship.

Hyperfocus

When getting into a new relationship, you can get so infatuated with that person. Talking about them so much even your friends get a little sick of you. My ADHD brain does this, and then just keeps on going. In the early stages of a relationship, my mind is completely and almost embarrassingly consumed. I’m checking my phone non-stop, finding ways to bring them up in conversations they don’t belong in and replaying mundane conversations in my head. This is ADHD hyperfocus, an intense concentration on something, or someone, usually at the cost of other, more important responsibilities.

Ari Tuckerman, psychologist and ADHD expert, describes this perfectly. “With ADHD it can be more so. Even more absorbed and excited by this new person, because the relationship is totally lighting up their brain.” 

Every interaction is met with a rush of dopamine, something so addictive for someone who can’t properly regulate their dopamine levels. It can feel so utterly thrilling, but not just for the person with ADHD. Tuckerman points out. “It’s pretty amazing to be in the spotlight with someone like that, but then of course, over time that can’t last forever.”

Being hyperfocused on someone means they genuinely have your undivided attention. It can be so exciting, right up until it isn’t.

I first want to make clear that all people with ADHD aren’t emotional wrecking balls, leaving their partners high and dry when the next best thing comes along. The ADHD mind is constantly seeking out stimulation, thriving off of challenge so that we can stay motivated. Once a relationship falls into a calm, comfortable routine, that once intoxicating novelty wears off. Ari Tuckerman describes this as a flip: “Once the relationship becomes more established and less novel and incredibly exciting, every other thing takes their attention.”

This doesn’t mean that the love is no longer there, and it doesn’t mean the relationship is now doomed to fail. The brain just needs something new to latch onto. Not a new person to be with, just a new hyperfixation, project or hobby. What I needed back then, was to stop rushing just because the newness felt fun, and to find stimulation through goals rather than people. 

Impulse

Slowing down doesn’t come completely naturally when you have ADHD. It’s something I’m still working on. I’m impulsive instinctively, and can’t just pause and think for a second like most people do.

Impulse control can really impact your dating life. Will you go up to that person? Do you go on that date? Do you give that person your number?

This can truly be a gift, having the ability to find more opportunities others couldn’t because they were a bit more cautious.

“The sort of positive spin on it is we all have those folks where we’re like ‘oh man, I should’ve made a move, they seemed really cool,’ and maybe they would’ve been.”

Impulsivity means you’ll probably never sit around waiting for someone, as Tuckerman points out, but unfortunately it’s not always as idealistic as that.

“Not every impulsive act brings you something good.”

Tuckerman emphasises that a lack of impulse control usually doesn’t lead to the soundest decisions. Everyone does things they’re not proud of, it’s in our human nature to make mistakes. With ADHD though, it can be much more frequent.

As Tuckerman says, “ADHD doesn’t invent new problems, it just exaggerates the universal ones.”

Having ADHD means you have to be more in tune with the decisions you make, especially in dating. You can end up with people that aren’t right for you, or people that don’t treat you very well. It’s about finding which impulses to follow, to ignore the chaos and listen to genuine feelings.

RSD

Impulsivity is also likely to be met with some form of criticism or rejection, something people with ADHD do not handle super well.

“There can be kind of a strong sensitivity to feeling like they’ve messed up, to feeling like they’re being rejected, because they’ve had more life experiences of being criticised.”

No one really likes rejection, but as Tuckerman points out, the ADHD reaction can be a little more intense. This is rejection sensitivity dysphoria. It’s the deep, emotional response to feeling like you’ve failed, even if really only to yourself.

“With RSD, if you have this really visceral response, then you kind of get lost in the moment. You get hijacked by your emotions.”

Communication in relationships is obviously important, but can then be made really difficult to navigate if one partner shuts down every time they feel criticised.

Admittedly, this is something I know I’ve been guilty of. It can be quite hard on a partner to feel like they can’t raise any issues. Misunderstandings are a part of life and communication is necessary to move past them.

“There’s going to be moments where your partner is kind of frustrated, annoyed, disappointed with what you’ve done. But that’s part of life right? Like, we annoy each other sometimes.”

What Tuckerman says is exactly what I find comforting. In no way does criticism equal resentment, and open conversations can be the foundation of healthy relationships. Dating with ADHD isn’t a fixed problem with one solution. The hyperfocus, the impulsivity, the RSD are not things you have to hide from your partner.

There’s understanding to be found in a healthy relationship, as Tuckerman says, it’s about “having someone who appreciates the good things you bring to this relationship and can deal with and manage the things you do that also annoy them.”