“Being non-binary, there is literally no precedent or convention set”

Figuring out your identity is not as simple as the media might have you believe. It’s not a sudden clarity that happens overnight, especially those who connect with a less rigid identity, like non-binary people.

Being non-binary can mean something different to every individual who feels connected to the term, which is a beautifully unique thing. We need more space for non-binary people, and to allow for that we need to understand the identity properly.

Gender as a performance 

Since we were kids we’ve been taught that girls wear pink and boys wear blue, that gender is inherently linked to the sex you were assigned at birth.

This is widely rejected by the queer community, instead taking gender as almost something that is performed. Gender can be described as the things that you do, rather than who you instinctively are. Repeated behaviors, gestures and speech can indicate gender, which goes hand in hand with the individuality of a non-binary identity.

Thomiel, a non-binary person based in Lincoln, noted that the isolation during 2020, for all its chaos, was a real time for self-exploration for the queer community.

“I definitely had thoughts about gender… that was something that was occupying my brain space.”

Being inside all the time, it gave people so much time alone to actually take the time to look inwards and discover themselves in a way that they might not have had the chance to otherwise.

You wouldn’t have to act in ways that were solely for appeasement of other people.

“In 2020, everyone was obviously so isolated. You would only see your immediate family, so you wouldn’t be interacting with anyone. And so you wouldn’t really have to perform your gender as much because you wouldn’t be in social circles where that’s necessary.”

Without the external pressures of everyday life, so many queer people were given the opportunity to exist freely for the first time without having to portray a specific ‘look’ or persona. 

“And since you wouldn’t have to perform it, it probably gives you more room to think and explore it more”

Thomiel, being only 15 during the 2020 lockdown, also was online a lot of the time. They noted how the explosion of ‘gay tiktok’, although mostly being for entertainment, provided space for queer education, especially for identities that weren’t represented in schools or mainstream media.

“It was very identity focused, so there was a lot of education about that.”

Isolation was chaotic, but did highlight that the pressures to present a certain way hinders people from navigating their own identities. When those pressures are stripped away, people realise they don’t have to abide by the social norms.

No precedents.

“Everyone’s going to have their own relationship with it. There’s no set path to go down.”

Thomiel describes navigating a non-binary identity as something entirely unique. Different for everyone who resonates with it, and without an obvious end goal . It’s not as clear-cut as coming out as gay or transgender, as there is an obvious point A and point B. 

“Coming out as transgender you have a journey there, you’re like ‘I was born as this and I performed all these things and now I’m making this stage to perform all these other things.'”

They emphasise the unique journey that non-binary people have, exploring an identity that literally has no set precedent or map to follow. The rest of society still needs to catch up, to learn the proper language and to unlearn harmful assumptions that try to fit people in a box. There is no universal destination, it differentiates from person to person. 

“My end goal is to be and act and dress and feel the same way as if I was born as the other sex. If there’s two universes where I was different, I want to combine the universes and just become one person.” 

Finding comfort 

Finding your own personal end goal can feel difficult, especially when there is no positive media representation. 0% of the non-binary characters in any major theatrical releases in 2023 had longer than 10 minutes of screentime.

Instead, Thomiel described finding comfort in ambiguous characters.

“Any kind of androgynous sort of character, or one with an undesignated gender, or when there’s an alien or non-human non-binary. Something where it’s like ‘we literally don’t have a gender because that’s not something in our society.’ That feels quite cool.”

Without set precedents and pathways, non-binary people have to find what makes them feel validated and comfortable on their own.

What helps the most though, is finding spaces where you can actually breathe and be yourself. There is joy to be found in finding a circle with people who accept you without feeling like you have to defend or even hide your identity.

Thomiel has found this and feels genuinely grateful.

“With every aspect and facet of my queerness, I wouldn’t be the person I am today without groups of supporting friends. In a different universe where I was friends with a bunch of lame dudes, I literally would be so pushed and climbed down.”

Navigating a non-binary identity can be difficult, but the destination is beautifully unique for every individual person.  For Thomiel, they feel like they’ve got there. Finding support from all around and becoming the person they wanted to be.

“I feel like I have just fully self-actualised. I literally just wanted to be a cool person walking down the street and now I feel like I do that every time I leave the house.”