{"id":1596,"date":"2026-06-03T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2026-06-03T10:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/pomegranatemag.co.uk\/?p=1596"},"modified":"2026-06-03T11:52:42","modified_gmt":"2026-06-03T10:52:42","slug":"i-realised-adults-are-being-failed-bridging-the-sex-education-gap","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/pomegranatemag.co.uk\/?p=1596","title":{"rendered":"&#8216;I realised adults are being failed&#8217; &#8211;\u00a0 bridging the sex education gap"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">After teaching sex education sessions to teenagers, Elyssa Rider began sharing the questions young people had asked her that day &#8211; funny ones, surprising ones, the kind that made you stop and think. But the people responding in her DMs weren&#8217;t there to laugh along.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">&#8220;What kept happening was my friends and followers would message me being like &#8211; and what did you say the answer was? And if someone was in that experience, what do you think you would advise them?&#8221;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">These weren&#8217;t teenagers who&#8217;d missed a class. These were grown adults, ranging from 28-40s, who had been through school, through relationships, through years of navigating their own bodies &#8211; and still didn&#8217;t have the right information.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">&#8220;I realised adults are being failed,&#8221; Elyssa said. &#8220;We had this really lacking sex education and there are these huge gaps in our knowledge. There is a need, a hunger and people really want to know.&#8221;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">That hunger is what led Elyssa and her co-founder Sophie to build <a href=\"https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/softcore_sexed?igsh=YnNqNThnNnVzdTFq\">Softcore Sex Ed<\/a> in 2022 &#8211; a candid, trauma-informed, queer-centred adult sex education platform hosting in-person workshops in London and recently, Tokyo.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image size-large\"><img decoding=\"async\" width=\"725\" height=\"1024\" data-src=\"https:\/\/pomegranatemag.co.uk\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/60\/2026\/06\/unnamed-3-725x1024.jpg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-1614 lazyload\" src=\"data:image\/svg+xml;base64,PHN2ZyB3aWR0aD0iMSIgaGVpZ2h0PSIxIiB4bWxucz0iaHR0cDovL3d3dy53My5vcmcvMjAwMC9zdmciPjwvc3ZnPg==\" style=\"--smush-placeholder-width: 725px; --smush-placeholder-aspect-ratio: 725\/1024;\" \/><figcaption class=\"wp-element-caption\">SoftCore Instagram<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Elyssa grew up with an unusual advantage &#8211; her parents had an open-door policy on questions about sex and relationships. From there she became a voracious researcher, spending hours online and pouring over the work of American sex educator Betty Dodson.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">&nbsp;&#8220;When Dodson wrote that the hymen as we knew it wasn&#8217;t real, it sparked this curiosity in me that I followed for the rest of my life.&#8221;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Most people didn&#8217;t have that. You may have had a consent video, or a lesson on how to put on a condom, and then nothing. And underneath even that thin provision was something heavier &#8211; a cultural architecture of shame that made sex unspeakable and a persistent belief that adults &#8211; particularly women and queer people &#8211; weren&#8217;t supposed to want to know.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<blockquote class=\"wp-block-quote is-layout-flow wp-block-quote-is-layout-flow\">\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">&#8220;Shame is hard to shed. It leaves deep roots and it stays.&#8221;<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Elyssa speaks about this with particular weight &#8211; having grown up in what she describes as a high-control religion, the impact on how she understood her own body, her own desires, her own identity was profound.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">&#8220;It wouldn&#8217;t be an exaggeration to say that sex education changed my life. The power of accurate information about sex, relationships, and bodies is enough to challenge your whole world view.&#8221;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">That shame, she is careful to point out, isn&#8217;t unique to any one faith or culture. It crosses communities and continents, carried forward by generations of families who were themselves never told the truth.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">&#8220;When there is shame, it breeds secrecy. And secrecy is really the polar opposite &#8211; things can go under the radar that are not okay and none of us benefit from that.&#8221;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">The failure to question long-held assumptions has deepened the gap further. Elyssa points to puberty resources that told girls they would grow breasts, as though that were a fact about girls rather than about bodies in general.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">&nbsp;&#8220;Is that something that only happens to girls? No &#8211; there are plenty of boys who also start to grow breast tissue. And I&#8217;m sure that&#8217;s also the case for other genders and intersex people &#8211; so why not rewrite the resource.&#8221;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">The cost of that secrecy isn&#8217;t small. It lives in people&#8217;s bodies and relationships, often for years before they even have the language to name it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"> Elyssa talks about adults who arrive at workshops carrying complicated histories &#8211; survivors who have learned to leave their bodies during intimacy, people who have spent decades viewing themselves through the lens of performance rather than pleasure.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">&#8220;As someone who was raised a woman within heteronormativity, it has taken me so many years to learn how I actually feel about things, because this whole time I&#8217;ve been viewing myself through the lens of performance. But why am I performing, when pleasure should just be me being happy?&#8221;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">That question is at the heart of what the adult gap produces &#8211; a fundamental disconnection within people reaching adulthood, not being told that their bodies belonged to them, that their pleasure was legitimate, and that what they experienced in relationships had a route to healing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">&#8220;The older we get, the more people we meet who are also survivors.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u00a0&#8220;There just isn&#8217;t necessarily always this acknowledgement of the fact that this is a very common experience. So why are we not making space for it?&#8221; Elyssa said.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image size-large is-resized\"><img decoding=\"async\" width=\"724\" height=\"1024\" data-src=\"http:\/\/pomegranatemag.co.uk\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/60\/2026\/06\/Sappho-Park-Redraw-1-1-724x1024.jpg\" alt=\"Sappho Park \" class=\"wp-image-1600 lazyload\" style=\"--smush-placeholder-width: 724px; --smush-placeholder-aspect-ratio: 724\/1024;width:785px;height:auto\" src=\"data:image\/svg+xml;base64,PHN2ZyB3aWR0aD0iMSIgaGVpZ2h0PSIxIiB4bWxucz0iaHR0cDovL3d3dy53My5vcmcvMjAwMC9zdmciPjwvc3ZnPg==\" \/><figcaption class=\"wp-element-caption\">Sappho Park illustration by Elyssa Rider<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">The answer to this gap, increasingly, is people like Elyssa &#8211; independent sex educators working outside the structures of government funding to build the provision that institutions either can&#8217;t or won&#8217;t.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">&#8220;We&#8217;re not a charity, we&#8217;re not funded by the government, so we don&#8217;t have to have a political alliance. We can say what we want to say without the threat of our funding being revoked &#8211; which is no small thing.&#8221;&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">In practice, that means Softcore can acknowledge and unpick systems of oppression, ensure provision is decolonised, and stand up for trans, Black and global majority, and queer communities without consequences.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">The reach of that independence has already extended beyond London. When Elyssa and Sophie took their pleasure workshop to Tokyo, they found that the adult gap is not a British problem. In Japan, Elyssa encountered beliefs she hadn&#8217;t anticipated,&nbsp; including the idea that STIs were something only foreigners contracted.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">&nbsp;&#8220;Of course it&#8217;s not true &#8211; that&#8217;s a myth, but it made me realise how much the surrounding beliefs about sex can vary.&#8221;&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Despite the differences, the hunger was the same: similar questions, similar gaps, and the same relief at finally being in a room where these things could be discussed plainly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">A Softcore workshop is deliberately designed to avoid slipping into lecture mode, with interaction and comfort coming first.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">&#8220;Often teaching happens after people have been at work so they want to have fun.&#8221;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">There&#8217;s a group agreement at the start, setting the expectations of the session. This is followed by games, activities, and discussions, with education woven throughout- and consent present at every stage.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">The trauma-informed framing is equally deliberate. Elyssa and Sophie work from the assumption that someone in the room will have had difficult experiences &#8211; not because they want to make the space heavy, but because pretending otherwise does those people a disservice.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">&#8220;We&#8217;re really careful about how we set up the space. It&#8217;s not a space for disclosure &#8211; but our signposting is really good, so if things come up for people they know where to go.&#8221;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Practical tools are also offered alongside this in workshops &#8211; grounding techniques, EMDR-based physical activities, and ways to stay present during intimacy.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Elyssa is also keen to challenge the idea of the &#8220;perfect victim.&#8221;&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">&#8220;What you might imagine a survivor&#8217;s reaction looks like isn&#8217;t always the case.&#8221;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Central to everything is Softcore&#8217;s queer-centred approach.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">&#8220;This means that to be queer is essentially to question everything, the things you&#8217;ve been taught growing up. Maybe there isn&#8217;t a gender binary. If that&#8217;s not right, then what else isn&#8217;t? What if these are just frameworks I&#8217;ve been taught? So instead of having &#8216;straight person content&#8217; and &#8216;queer person content,&#8217; everything is inclusive.&#8221;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">In practice, this means no assumed sexuality, no assumed relationship structure, no assumed body.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Elyssa is also an illustrator, which means when inclusive visual resources don&#8217;t exist, she makes them, showing genitals as a whole range, including intersex and gender-variant bodies. &#8220;We don&#8217;t want to box things that don&#8217;t need to be boxed.&#8221;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image size-full\"><img decoding=\"async\" width=\"1000\" height=\"1000\" data-src=\"https:\/\/pomegranatemag.co.uk\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/60\/2026\/06\/Intersex-Genitals-illo-1-1-1.png\" alt=\"Illustration of intersex genitals by Elyssa Rider\" class=\"wp-image-1605 lazyload\" data-srcset=\"https:\/\/pomegranatemag.co.uk\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/60\/2026\/06\/Intersex-Genitals-illo-1-1-1.png 1000w, https:\/\/pomegranatemag.co.uk\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/60\/2026\/06\/Intersex-Genitals-illo-1-1-1-980x980.png 980w, https:\/\/pomegranatemag.co.uk\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/60\/2026\/06\/Intersex-Genitals-illo-1-1-1-480x480.png 480w\" data-sizes=\"(min-width: 0px) and (max-width: 480px) 480px, (min-width: 481px) and (max-width: 980px) 980px, (min-width: 981px) 1000px, 100vw\" src=\"data:image\/svg+xml;base64,PHN2ZyB3aWR0aD0iMSIgaGVpZ2h0PSIxIiB4bWxucz0iaHR0cDovL3d3dy53My5vcmcvMjAwMC9zdmciPjwvc3ZnPg==\" style=\"--smush-placeholder-width: 1000px; --smush-placeholder-aspect-ratio: 1000\/1000;\" \/><figcaption class=\"wp-element-caption\">Illustration of intersex genitals by Elyssa Rider<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><\/p>\n\n\n\n<blockquote class=\"wp-block-quote is-layout-flow wp-block-quote-is-layout-flow\">\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">&#8220;We all have a right to pleasure and it doesn&#8217;t have to involve someone else.&#8221;<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">None of this is happening in a vacuum. The forces that created the adult gap are still active and in some ways getting louder.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Elyssa points to the current political landscape: the rise of the far right, the surge of anti-trans rhetoric, the slow erosion of what sex education is permitted to include.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">&#8220;When we allow accurate sex education to be watered down or minimised, we do all young people a disservice. There&#8217;s a real-life consequence &#8211; not only for trans people&#8217;s lives and trans kids growing up, but also on what educators are able to teach.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cAs soon as you start putting those restrictions in place, sex education becomes inaccurate, or gets used as a tool of silencing. Our primary focus should be on accurate, age-appropriate sex education &#8211; not a political tool.&#8221;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">The digital landscape offers no respite as independent educators often find themselves being censored or shadow-banned.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">&#8220;Why are we all out here writing sex like &#8216;s3x&#8217; and using the grape emoji? It&#8217;s ridiculous. But if I don&#8217;t play by those rules, my stuff gets hidden or deleted.&#8221;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">She also notes the bleak irony of this censorship &#8211; independent educators free themselves from institutional control only to find themselves subject to the content policies of billionaire-owned platforms.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">The adult gap is real, and it costs people &#8211; in their bodies, their relationships, their sense of what they&#8217;re allowed to feel. But it can be filled, not by government mandate or a social media algorithm but by platforms like Softcore: people in a room, being told the truth, and having the courage to ask questions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">&#8220;Nuance and unlearning are hard,&#8221; Elyssa said. &#8220;But that will be the thing that brings us the most joy in the end.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">To see Softcore&#8217;s work, visit their <a href=\"https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/softcore_sexed?igsh=YnNqNThnNnVzdTFq\">instagram.<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Elyssa Rider started posting questions teenagers asked her in sex ed classes. The people flooding her DMs weren&#8217;t kids &#8211; they were grown adults who still didn&#8217;t have the answers. So she built Softcore.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":265,"featured_media":1603,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[20,154,6,53,1],"tags":[248,247,246,249],"class_list":["post-1596","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-body","category-body-new-stories","category-pillar-3","category-must-reads","category-uncategorised","tag-queer-community","tag-sex-ed","tag-sexual-education","tag-transgender"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v27.4 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>&#039;I realised adults are being failed&#039; -\u00a0 bridging the sex education gap - Pomegranate<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Elyssa Rider started posting questions teenagers asked her in sex education classes - but her DMs weren&#039;t from kids - they were grown adults.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/pomegranatemag.co.uk\/?p=1596\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_GB\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"&#039;I realised adults are being failed&#039; 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