{"id":1365,"date":"2026-05-30T17:00:00","date_gmt":"2026-05-30T16:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/pomegranatemag.co.uk\/?p=1365"},"modified":"2026-05-29T17:40:47","modified_gmt":"2026-05-29T16:40:47","slug":"good-girls-dont-finish-the-myth-of-good-sex","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/pomegranatemag.co.uk\/?p=1365","title":{"rendered":"Good girls don\u2019t finish: the myth of \u2018good sex\u2019?\u00a0"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>by Ava Osbaldeston<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">There\u2019s a pause after sex. The tangled sheets.&nbsp; The unsatisfied silence.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cDid you come?\u2019\u2019&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">A small question, casually delivered. But those three words carry the weight of something much bigger. Not just whether you orgasmed, but whether the sex itself counts. Whether the script ended properly.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u2018\u2019It&#8217;s mentally exhausting &#8211; pretending to enjoy sex when you\u2019re not even close,\u2019\u2019 said one 19-year-old girl at the University of Sheffield.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cYou\u2019re chasing something, but you don\u2019t know how to say it&nbsp; because if you don\u2019t spend the whole time enjoying it, how do you suddenly explain what actually felt good?\u201d&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">The version of sex we\u2019ve been sold usually ends with him finishing. A beginning and a middle for him &#8211; and an ending that rarely includes us. Preferably mutual, ideally simultaneous, but rarely equal.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Despite all the modern-day talk of sexual liberation, it&#8217;s surprising how we\u2019ve inherited a script that still centres one body.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">&nbsp;\u2018Sex positivity\u2019 is often the glossy outer layer online, hiding the female performance underneath &#8211; one that builds towards male climax while women, are simply expected to orbit around it.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u2018\u2019It&#8217;s not orgasm that&#8217;s the endpoint of heterosexual sex &#8211; it&#8217;s male orgasm.&#8217;\u2019 says Dr Laurie Mintz, Emeritus Professor at the University of Florida, psychologist, Certified Sex Therapist, and Author of <em>Becoming Cliterate, <\/em>who explores the cultural causes of the orgasm gap through her work.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cIt runs so deep in patriarchal myths, and in the over\u2011privileging of male sexuality, that most of us accept it as simply how sex works.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">That assumption &#8211; that male pleasure defines the shape of sex itself &#8211; means the pressure to orgasm as a woman has never been greater. Not just to want it, but more importantly to show it. So we\u2019ve learnt to perform.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>What are the sexual scripts we follow?<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">The sex we&#8217;ve all learned should feel instinctive. But what feels instinctive is often learned.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Sociologists at the University of Chicago call this sexual scripts theory <strong>&#8211; <\/strong>the idea that sex has always been shaped by social expectations of climax rather than natural tendency.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">The unspoken guidelines of heterosexual sex, absorbed through TV, pornography, social media, and relationships that exaggerate female pleasure to match male climax. Sex now follows a linear script, and women feel the need to perform within it.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">But most women cannot orgasm from penetration alone. Dr Mintz highlights that the clitoris has more than 8000 nerve endings &#8211; twice as many as the penis &#8211; yet it&#8217;s almost entirely excluded from the penetrative model the script revolves around. Biologically, female pleasure was quite literally written out of the storyline.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Dr Mintz described the script most women instantly recognise.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cA little foreplay to get her ready, intercourse &#8211; which we call \u2018sex\u2019 &#8211; male ejaculation, and then sex is over.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">If the script worked, the outcome would be equal. It\u2019s not.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Why is it so hard for women to finish? The truth is, it\u2019s not.&nbsp;<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">The question isn\u2019t why women struggle to orgasm, it&#8217;s why the structure of sex makes it harder.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cThe current framing is completely inaccurate,\u201d Mintz said.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cif the problem were women\u2019s bodies, we\u2019d struggle in all contexts. But we don\u2019t.\u201d&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Studies on heterosexual casual sex reveal that around 83.7% of men report orgasming compared to just 33.3% of women.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">But that same data tells a different story when the context changes.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Around 95% of women orgasm within minutes when they\u2019re alone. Women report higher orgasm rates with female partners, and rates increase further in relationships with better communication and variety in foreplay.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">The issue isn\u2019t our bodies. It&#8217;s the script we\u2019ve been following.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Are women performing pleasure, or feeling it?&nbsp;<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Once orgasm becomes the ending, it stops being just a feeling &#8211; it\u2019s becomes a responsibility.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Physical labour, emotional labour, ego management.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">In her 2023 article \u201cGendered Labour and Women\u2019s Sexual Pleasure: Assembling Desire\u201d, sociologist Katy Pilcher describes how women&#8217;s pleasure gets treated as a job &#8211; producing proof of enjoyment even when there is none.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Pressure shows up in small, constant ways: timing your reactions, adjusting breathing, speeding up or slowing down, pretending to finish.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u2018\u2019You\u2019re not just thinking about yourself &#8211; you\u2019re thinking about how they\u2019ll feel.\u201d said another 19-year-old girl at the University of Sheffield.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">This is ego management. Not dishonesty, but conflict avoidance &#8211; an extension of the emotional labour of heterosexual sex for women<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Once the intimacy begins, expectations follow, and women become trapped in the escalation of script that can feel easier to perform than to pausing or explain<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">But here&#8217;s the irony: the pressure that demands orgasm is also what prevents it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">&nbsp;\u201cYou can\u2019t have an orgasm when you\u2019re performing,\u201d said Mintz.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cOrgasm requires complete immersion in your body &#8211; and performance is the opposite.\u201d&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Psychologists pioneering sex therapy in the 70s called it spectatoring \u2014 mentally stepping outside yourself during sex and observing rather than experiencing. <em>Am I taking too long? Do I look like I&#8217;m enjoying this? Should I be finished by now?<\/em>&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">This creates a feedback loop: attention drifts, pressure increases anxiety, anxiety reduces arousal, reduced arousal makes orgasm less likely.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cWhen you\u2019re monitoring your reactions, your partner\u2019s reactions, how you look or sound, you\u2019re focused outward, not inward. And that makes orgasm virtually impossible,\u201d Dr Mintz said.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>What does queer sex do differently?<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">If it were a biological problem with women, we\u2019d see it everywhere. But we don\u2019t. Women who have sex with women consistently orgasm more because the structure changes, not the biology.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cOne, there\u2019s more clitoral stimulation, and two, they\u2019re not revolving the encounter around one act: penetration. There\u2019s more variety, more turn-taking, more communication, and more time,\u201d Dr Mintz said.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cThere are also two different attitudes: your orgasm matters, and both partners actively pursue it.\u201d&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">When pleasure &#8211; not penetration &#8211; becomes the focus, the script changes. And when the script changes so does the outcome.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">The question is why heterosexual couples are still following a version&nbsp; that leaves female pleasure out?&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>So what actually count as \u2018good sex\u2019?&nbsp;<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">The silence after sex can feel unnaturally loaded.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">No orgasm? Incomplete sex, bad sex, forgettable sex.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">orgasm should be natural, but the marker of satisfaction has quietly been replaced by the marker of completion &#8211; and that&#8217;s a problem the script created, not one that belongs to women&#8217;s bodies.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cSex should be a mutual, consensual experience of giving and receiving pleasure,\u201d Dr Mintz said.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">There is no single right way to have good sex, and removing orgasm as the only endpoint doesn&#8217;t mean abandoning pleasure -it means making room for more of it.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Heterosexual couples simply need to recognise they\u2019ve been unconsciously learning how sex is supposed to end rather than what it&#8217;s supposed to feel like. It&#8217;s become cultural rather than natural.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Women aren\u2019t failing sex by not finishing. They\u2019re following a script that was never written for them in the first place.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Why does sex have to end in orgasm? The quiet shame of not finishing &#8211; and the script that says it must.\u00a0<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":1370,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[20,21,53],"tags":[48,30,33,208,209,29,32,31,210],"class_list":["post-1365","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-body","category-connections","category-must-reads","tag-body","tag-connections","tag-love","tag-orgasm","tag-orgasm-gap","tag-pomegranate","tag-relationships","tag-sex","tag-sex-script"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v27.4 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>Good girls don\u2019t finish: the myth of \u2018good sex\u2019?\u00a0 - Pomegranate<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/pomegranatemag.co.uk\/?p=1365\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_GB\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Good girls don\u2019t finish: the myth of \u2018good sex\u2019?\u00a0 - Pomegranate\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Why does sex have to end in orgasm? 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